10.06.2014

Waiting for my miracle

** After days of trying to write this, I decided it will be easiest if I just be completely honest. Even though it was hard, this is what happened and I can’t hide the truth!** After all I have gone through ( and several of you checking in to make sure I was ok), I think you deserve to know my struggles and miracles! Here it goes…**

I thought this was it…like  the end, that life was just going to get harder and darker. The days grew shorter and the smiles grew to be zero.

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The days with tears and worries eventually outnumbered the laughter and joy.

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It felt like the battle was being fought and nobody know which day, thing, smell, sound would cause my illness to escalate to unbearable levels.  I actually did not know either!
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My nightmare came to life..not in a dream, but after I awoke from a dream. The prickling around my body intensified and each week the craziness never subsided.
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What was happening? I had no idea. Doctors had no idea. Nobody really knew!
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I’m being very honest. It was torture to live in such a sick body.. I just wanted to rip free and come out healthy. No swelling, No tiredness, no nausea.
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I can’t even give you a glimpse into a normal day. because the days were almost non-existent other than little food/ baths/ and streams of tears. Every. Day.
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It felt like forever but I guess It was only *this* bad for a year. I was up and awake more the months before that, but my health was always on the downward path.
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Many of you are probably asking…what happened?! Why?
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We spent months…no years ( 18 to be exact) trying to figure out why my body ticks differently. I don’t have answers and I’m actually ok with that. I don’t want to obsess about my health anymore, because it’s not healthy! I’m only moving forward ( after I write this recap post though.)
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God literally pulled me out of my drowning life…but It took ALOT of patience.
The first time I asked Him to save me was 16 months ago when my skin turned yellow.
I asked again when my food choices were down to 2 things.
I asked again when I started sleeping 15 hours a day. Then 16. Then 18.
I asked the day I lost my breathing for a few minutes.
I asked when it felt like the walls were closing in on me and touching things made my skin burn.
I asked him when I saw my sisters, brother, mom & dad cry because they thought they would loose me.
It eventually became a beg. My prayer was.. “Please God, nobody knows anymore. I think I’m dying, but I know it’s not my time, please save me.”
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But my patience was being tested. I asked my mom often “how can I get any worse?” Obviously she did not know the answer, but I just wanted any confirmation or answer. Unfortunately it got worse.
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The prickling like bugs crawling all around me was making my mind go nuts.. pain and irritation can do that.
The days and weeks and months all blurred together. My purpose every day was to not fall apart mentally and keep strong (or as best as I could) . The swelling and inflammation was the worst. It affected my breathing, eating, sleeping, walking. I went to the ER a few times but they could not find anything unusual.
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I had lots of signs for kidney infections so I did all I could for that. I took hour-long healing baths but the minute I got out.. the relief was gone.
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I am still sad to think how hard my family tried to help me but I only got worse despite all efforts. They went above and beyond realistic abilities to keep my reactions minimal and I think my family’s diligent and persistent traits really served a purpose in this situation. Its hard to think back to these situations, but I try and remember how every day someone would wash all my vegetables to make me a giant juice (yum!) or rub reflexology points on my feet to ease pain. Or the way my dog would roll over on his back instead of doing a full body jump (like he does to everyone else). I guess he could sense my weakness. Or even how my someone would stay up with me if I was having a rally bad night. Those little things meant the world to me. That was my world.
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Having a conversation with me was rare. I’m not sure what I even thought about now that I look back. I was so numb.. just surviving until something would happen.  I guess there was a small part that still hoped for a miracle.
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And actually…that what I got. The end of July a childhood friend came over (first friend in over a year)  because I was so tired and reactive guests were rare. By then we had a system. The guest showers, changes into safe clothes and then they are safe to be around .
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We talked and I realized if he could get through such a rough patch in life… why couldn’t I?  It shouldn’t matter if its a death, health, or a tragedy. God wants us to tackle these huge hurdles with His help. So thats exactly what I decided to do.
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I got this energy and determination that came out of no where (like I said… most days I could hardly get out of bed). I woke my mom early and asked if she would go spend the day outside on the lake with me (I had not made it past the door or driveway in months because of close neighbors exhaust, laundry detergent, pesticides, etc.) Of course I missed the outside but one exposure to a chemical made my body violently react. It was a difficult situation.
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But that day was different. I stayed on the lake for 8 hours. Every hour my mom commented how the swelling was going down. My mind became crystal clear and my coordination came back!
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I was exhausted but hopeful when I went back inside my house. But I got a strange sense when I walked back in. My parents were all excited and chatting away about this big step and all I could think about was my swelling sinuses, glands, fingers and then throat! oh boy.. it clicked. Its the house!
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*Sometimes* I jump to conclusions… but this was pure instinct and direction from God. “Get out now!” I did not second guess this message in my heart. Ok. So I told my mom (she could clearly see the swelling escalating within minutes) so there was no convincing her.
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We quickly talked it over. Why am I reacting now? Well…maybe I was reacting all along but I never knew why. I was always pinpointing the wrong thing.. or just not the “trigger”. Or maybe it was overload from house toxins? Since I took myself out of the environment (just think like when you take milk or gluten out for a week and then reintroduce it, the reaction is exaggerated since your immune system got a break) I re-entered the house and BAM.. exaggerated allergic reaction.
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So within 1 hour I quickly packed several things (aka threw stuff in a laundry basket). By the time I stepped outside again my whole body was swollen and my left eye black and blue. I needed to get a few things before I left so it was a necessary reaction caused by staying in the house after the initial few minutes of knowing.
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Funny how the plans in life work out. My parents found a house (finally) that had a separate guest house and some land a few weeks before. We always knew finding more land away from fumes and chemicals was a must for me to get outside. And the hope was to transform the guest house into a safe-non-toxic- organic house for me. So since we owned the property I decided to set up a tent in the yard. Me and the clothes on my back and the few laundry baskets..
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 to be continued…
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p.s. thanks you for all the prayers. God was listening the whole time, but He allowed time to pass to transform and change my life and those close to me (despite it being very hard). Im much better now and really on the mend. Its still so surreal… but It would only be right to give all the credit to God for this miracle !
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~caroline
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